New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
