It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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