ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
