grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
