My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
