I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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