i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
