My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
