i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
