He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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