Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
