dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
