If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
