after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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