yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
