i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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