I just gift wrapped bread.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
