I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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