I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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