I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
