He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
