So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
