Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
