Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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