new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
