My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
