I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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