plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
