come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
