Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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