we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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