I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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