I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
