sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
