I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
