I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The best revenge is premature balding
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
