A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
