I think my fart just growled at me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
