I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
