I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
