he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
