I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
50% drunk capacity currently
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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