What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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