Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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