I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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