I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
