What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
