My cat gives me a boner
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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