between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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