Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
