This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
