i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
