Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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