Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
