cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Drake has all the answers
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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