Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Randomize
