for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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