oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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