maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
