Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My liver just had a heart attack.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
