The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
