its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
