I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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