also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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