my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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